The Black Cloud

Catch 22

Jon was given the Thanksgiving week as a time he could go to South Carolina to see his girls (after 4 months without seeing them). Problem is, he works retail and would lose his job if he went this week. Karla and family had made Thanksgiving plans in Virginia so Jon proposed that instead of him coming there, he would pay the difference for them to stay in Utah for two weeks at Christmas instead of the one outlined by the commissioner. That way she could still enjoy her family gathering and Jon could get to spend two weeks with the girls, who by then will have been kept from him for 5 months. Seems like a win-win. Karla doesn't have a real job she has to return to and Liz is only in preschool so it would not be a problem on that end. She had already purchased tickets to travel Christmas day (so the kids don't get to have Christmas with any family) without coordinating it with Jon, but he offered to pay the change fees. Karla has friends and family in Utah she could stay with whereas Jon will have to pay for a hotel when he travels to S.C.

No response except for Karla to say, "I told Liz you are lucky to get to see them at all." She said Jon should do "whatever it takes to see his children." Does this mean she thinks it would be good for him to lose his job (so she can tell the judge he "can't keep a job")? Then he could go to the commissioner and without a job, his child support payments could be eliminated or severely reduced. Would that help anyone, other than to feed her vindictiveness?

Any question her whole purpose is to keep his children from him? If he quit his job so he could go there (even if he could manage the extravagantly high travel costs due to this particular week, very short notice, additional rental car for the two hour drive at each end from and back to the airport, food and motel costs). If he were vindictive he would do that - quit the job, not be able to pay child support at all, spend all his money on this one trip, and look only to the short-term. Oh, but that would be behaving like Karla. It is important to look down the road; not just in the present.

We have a friend who was adopted as a teenager after a terrible childhood at the hands of her mother. Once grown she resented the fact that her mother kept her from her father and she still has serious long-term issues with that. Just thinking about Jon's situation is very upsetting to her though she has chosen a positive direction for her life; not dwelling on her past. We know others who have endured abuse similar to Karla's childhood pain. There are so many children who have been abused in various ways. Some are resilient, get early and good help with it; while others have long-term, growing damage and continue to blame others for their pain.

Another friend whose ex-wife did much the same as Karla is doing said, "eventually the children will know - she can't keep the truth from them forever and even if she plants false memories in their tender little minds, they will one day grow up and know. Then they will re-establish their life with their father, probably choose to come to the father who was kept from them and will not only resent their mother but will have a huge hole left in their hearts that nothing will completely fill." This friend's children went through this and are now adults (with some serious issues). Their immature mother punished them for loving their father and wanting to spend time with him when they were young. She coached them to play into her false allegations, but the judge was able to discover that finally. They too have serious issues that will be with them the rest of their lives.

To see down the road requires emotional maturity, selflessness and a true desire to do what is right and best for the children. Children should never be used as pawns to manipulate someone to do what you want (i.e. force Jon to come to S.C.). They originally went there FOR work, which turned out to be a hoax. Usually you go where there IS work - you certainly wouldn't choose to put yourself in a situation where you throw your spouse out, keep the children from him and claim this was a joint decision. But when Jon did go home where he could find real work and try to pay the bills, he was told he should have stayed. What's wrong with this picture? Oh, yeah, he was kicked out and told not to contact Karla. He had to defend himself in court against false charges brought by his WIFE. Considering how he was treated there and that there was no work, this does not make sense and is clearly not in the best interest of anyone.

Now she can pretend her problems are his fault. Never mind that she had problems long before they even met and was in counseling at the time. Never mind that he went to counseling with her before they married to try to ensure a good relationship in spite of those problems. Never mind that he did everything in his power to support and help her through it in ways she has chosen to forget. Never mind that her family continues to enable her projection of her pain onto those outside herself and believe the lies and stories she is inventing and planting into the children. Never mind that she is being controlled by people who have been misinformed and only have bits and pieces of information. Never mind that she is using their children for her purposes.

What a dark cloud and sad situation. It is not too late to do the right thing but if she continues to tell those around her the falsehoods she has created, then they feed it back to her, lies become truths to her and it is her reality but that doesn't make it true.