When Jon was three I participated in
Joy School in the neighborhood. Richard and Lynda Eyre (parents of 9) created the program and it was a principle-driven curriculum for preschoolers. Parents of the kids took turns teaching and manual, music, etc. were provided regularly for a small fee (much less than regular preschool).
Each month or so they would introduce a new value, or
Joy - thus the name
Joy School. The idea was great. I can't say I felt good in my role as preschool teacher. Not only was it not my niche; I had a very fussy newborn who had to be held constantly. Home schooling under those conditions was less than ideal.
I read this article and was reminded of the Eyres' book,
Teaching Your Children Responsibility - a natural offshoot of
Teaching Your Children Joy. (Click on the post title to read the full article referenced here). An excerpt is below. This is a principle I think is lacking in this generation - actually in the world. We find excuses for our behavior, refuse to let natural consequences cause our children pain (even though that is the best way for them to learn), and society has come to accept this as the norm. The result is a wimpy, "victim" mentality all around us. Look at our current economy and the big financiers, not only blaming and being the victim, but expecting a bail out.
I made my children experience natural (and sometimes induced) consequences, often unpleasant to them at the time. For this, they may blame me the rest of their lives but, hey, they need someone to blame when life isn't perfect - it might as well be the mom, right? If it helped them to develop character, become honest, responsible citizens and stay out of jail, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and other addictions or evils then I'll accept the blame. Was I a perfect parent? Absolutely not. Do I have regrets? Sure - mostly in not spending more one-on-one time, not being more loving and nurturing, more skilled in effective and consistent (but also loving) discipline and maybe not being able to provide them with a few more comforts (not everything, because we're not here for comfort and ease). But, I'm pretty proud of my kids. Sometimes I'm sure it was in spite of, rather than because of, me.
Now I see them struggling with their own issues; their own children. They have to make hard decisions, and like all parents, they wish to protect their children from pain and often natural consequences that are hard or that might make them unpopular. They don't want their children to hurt, and sometimes in the process they may exacerbate their handicaps and weaknesses, assisting in allowing them to become victims. Sometimes in my opinion, they may be too strict. I'm happy to know that none of them are being abused. I just hope they are learning the responsibility they need to survive in this life. I often see them, as parents, doing better than we did, but they definitely do things differently. Every parent has this stewardship and hopefully they take their role seriously, consider the long-term consequences and benefits of appropriate discipline and education. I do know that in our present morality-lacking society, they need lots of tools to help them cope as adults when parents are not there to protect or defend them. When they deal with the knocks of life, I hope they will be ready. Life comes with lots of disappointments and they can be victims or, like Helen Keller and so many others, even overcome huge "handicaps" or setbacks or disadvantages. As long as Helen's parents coddled and felt sorry for her, she could not progress. Once they allowed her to live with boundaries and expectations, she excelled and became one of the great American heroes. There are lots of stories, books, movies and other examples of people overcoming great odds to BE great. I would encourage all parents to make these stories on of their guides for parenting, especially when their children have disadvantages. Show the kids how they can overcome difficulty. They will need these skills later in their lives.
I've never been one to sit back quietly without expressing my own opinions. And I'm old-fashioned enough to believe kids can learn from their parents at any age, because experience is a wonderful teacher.
Becky Thomas,
Mormon Times"I have seen family members play the role of a victim, as children will continue to blame their parents, or justify holding grudges, or feel sorry for themselves for their childhood, or make excuses for their lack of compassion. My dad used to always tell me and my brothers, "I will take responsibility for any mistakes I made parenting you, until the age of 30, after that you can't blame me any more." Though he shared that in jest, I saw the truth in what he said. It is easy for family members to continue to play the role of a victim their entire lives.
I will never forget one young man who was caught shoplifting. When the police approached his parents, they excused his behavior by saying they should have bought him what he wanted for Christmas, so he would not have had to shoplift.
If we are making excuses for our children, blaming or justifying their behavior, ("he picked up the vulgar language or bad habits from his friends"; "they don't want to go to church because the others have offended them"; "he is failing his class because of the teacher") or feeling sorry for them (because she didn't get asked to the prom, or because he wasn't invited to the birthday party, or because she didn't make cheerleading, or because he never gets to play in the game), we are sending a message that they are a victim. They will not feel a need to change, or take personal responsibility in any area of their life. After all, they think they are a victim.
If we embrace the mentality of a victim and decide that we have no power to act, but to be acted upon, we abdicate the last of our freedoms as we turn all power over to everyone else. This mentality stops change and progress.
Whether we are the President of the United States or a 3-year-old learning to swim, if we are blaming, or making excuses, or justifying our actions, or feeling sorry for ourselves, we have slowed down our progress immensely.
This concept of personal responsibility is one of the most defining principles to anyone who is living the unexpected life. It is the principle that determines whether we progress, move forward and grow on the route we travel. It is the principle that we pass on to our children. It is the principle that makes the difference whether we succeed or if we are happy. It is a principle of freedom."
Last Friday I heard a few words by Pamela at the Global Health Conference at BYU. In attendance were also leaders and experts from outside Utah (John Hopkins University) who seemed relieved that they could actually talk about Jesus Christ as an example in a public setting such as this. These days it's uncommon - they don't dare! I was moved by Pam's words, "Care about people; not just for them - there is a difference!" She also admonished us to not let issues get in the way of relationships. She is an excellent example of that. She has served on both the state Board of Regents and the School Board and in many leadership positions in business and community - currently on the Deseret News Editorial Advisory Board. See introduction of members here.
