This is where I share RANDOM rants and ruminations, beliefs, lists, dreams, goals, frustrations, bargains, and social injustices (EVAGATION, n. the act of wandering; excursion; a roving or rambling). More about me than you wanted to know. You may not agree with me but I hope you share my belief that what makes America great is freedom to have and express differing views. Enjoy peeking into my public journal if you want to know that part of me I share here. Enjoy!
What the newspaper article doesn't tell you is that Dr. Gottman's research into what makes the biggest difference in the success or failure a marriage is NOT what type of conflict resolver you are, or even what the combination of types is within your particular marriage.
His research reveals that whether or not a relationship (not only survives, but) grows and deepens is based primarily on how the individuals in the relationship treat each other OUTSIDE of any particular conflict.
Dr. Gottman's scientific reasearch (different than the typical psychobable guesswork that you get from many marriage councelors) show that those couples whose love deepens and grows have a 5:1 ratio of compliments vs criticisms during their everyday interactions. They praise each other five times more than they criticize each other.
Yes, conflict styles are important, but EXPRESSING love and appreciation for each other is vastly more important to the long term happiness of BOTH individuals in the relationship.
For anyone who truly wants to understand Dr. Gottman's work (he is the foremost researcher in what actually makes marriages work and what causes them to fail in the world today) I suggest studyingMaking Marriage Work and The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, both books by Dr. Gottman.
You can find a copies at any public library, local bookstore, or Amazon.com. See also Dr. Gottman's website: www.gottman.com
It's best to do this kind of research BEFORE your spouse decides that you are a hostile conflict resolver . . . a common result for both partners (as indicated in the DesNews article) who attempt to stay in a marriage that lacks a positive compliment to criticism ratio.
Good article.
ReplyDeleteWhat the newspaper article doesn't tell you is that Dr. Gottman's research into what makes the biggest difference in the success or failure a marriage is NOT what type of conflict resolver you are, or even what the combination of types is within your particular marriage.
His research reveals that whether or not a relationship (not only survives, but) grows and deepens is based primarily on how the individuals in the relationship treat each other OUTSIDE of any particular conflict.
Dr. Gottman's scientific reasearch (different than the typical psychobable guesswork that you get from many marriage councelors) show that those couples whose love deepens and grows have a 5:1 ratio of compliments vs criticisms during their everyday interactions. They praise each other five times more than they criticize each other.
Yes, conflict styles are important, but EXPRESSING love and appreciation for each other is vastly more important to the long term happiness of BOTH individuals in the relationship.
For anyone who truly wants to understand Dr. Gottman's work (he is the foremost researcher in what actually makes marriages work and what causes them to fail in the world today) I suggest studying Making Marriage Work and The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, both books by Dr. Gottman.
You can find a copies at any public library, local bookstore, or Amazon.com. See also Dr. Gottman's website: www.gottman.com
It's best to do this kind of research BEFORE your spouse decides that you are a hostile conflict resolver . . . a common result for both partners (as indicated in the DesNews article) who attempt to stay in a marriage that lacks a positive compliment to criticism ratio.