Hiding

Some years ago while attending a BYU Campus Education Week  I heard a speaker whose name I have since forgotten but whose message was etched in my heart because I knew at once the truthfulness of it.

It was a marriage relationship class and he spoke of a key warning to help us to stay on track and avoid straying/sinning since all are vulnerable to Satan's enticings and temptations of the flesh (I would add the mind/psyche/ego).  The concept was "hiding" and he emphasized that openness and honesty were keys for successful marriage and when it was missing, the chances of long-term success were greatly reduced.  I felt right away it was absolutely essential and without it any meaningful relationship was doomed to failure.

His message was this:  Anything that must be hidden from one's spouse should be a clue that something is not right and you should step back and ask yourself why there is "hiding" involved.  This is not just in marriage, though that was the subject of his talk.  It is about sin in general.  He said it is one way the spirit speaks to us - we know when we are lying or only telling half-truths, or when we embellish a story.  Our conscience or Holy Ghost whispers to us that it is wrong.  Sometimes we even justify that it is OK because it spares the other person the pain of knowing the truth.  We can ignore it, push it aside and it will be lost as a warning to us. 

Well, the problem isn't in the knowing or not, but in the fact it is something that must be hidden at all.  If you have to keep it from your spouse, you should examine your motive.  Why must it be hidden?  If we are honest with ourselves we will realize it is a blessing to feel that nudge.  Get rid of the offender (Matthew 5:30) and determine to be honest and open.  That doesn't mean you have to say everything that pops into your head (i.e. you look fat today).  But if you are married but having an online or other relationship with someone else, that is a little too interesting to give up but you justify as innocent (though you also wouldn't share it with your spouse)... OR if you are reading or viewing something you need to delete from your computer history or password protect if your spouse has access to your files...OR if you participate in an activity or visit a location you wouldn't want your spouse (or other friends/relatives) to know about so you hide the evidence and ignore your conscience pricks, these are instances of hiding and they should be a warning.   

Liz Hale, a licensed clinical psychologist, spoke at the spring conference of the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists on April 1.  Click here to read the summary of her talk and here to read more good stuff she wrote.

Hale said she believes every couple is vulnerable to infidelity -- be it sexual or emotional -- if individuals aren't actively curbing all the subtle and often innocent beginnings of unfaithfulness that can emerge.

"Is it secret or deceptive?" she asked. "Then it's an affair. Any outside relationship with a sexual or emotional connection that is kept secret can be defined a true-blue affair. No doubt about it."

She, as well as relationship therapists in the audience, cited several infidelity risk factors: impulsivity, long periods of separation (military service), having a narcissistic personality, being sexually or violently abusive and a habit of making friends online...

A survey completed by cheating respondents showed something bothered the victim spouse more than the sexual infidelity itself: "It was the deceit. That was the most painful. That takes a long time to heal," Hale said. ...

Hales mentioned several practical things couples should practice to avoid potential future infidelity:

• Recognize you're vulnerable: Temptations aren't fussy; they'll approach anyone.
• Communicate on a deeper level: Share attractions -- responsibly. Tell your spouse in a mature way if you're attracted to someone. Doing so eliminates infidelity's main ingredient -- secrecy -- by taking it out of the shadows. "It's the secrecy that really tends to build and excite and keep the emotion," she said.
• Keep focused on your partner: Call her, text her, serve her.
• Satisfy sexual intimacy.
• Avoid connections with people on the Internet: Marry your Facebook accounts; choose online friends wisely. Mention your spouse often in the posts, blogs, etc.
• Keep professional boundaries: Going to lunch at work with the opposite sex is one of many places "we ought not be. Go to lunch in groups."
• Always wear your wedding ring. "I'm a fan of wedding rings," Hales said. "It's some token, some sign to the world that we're committed."