Mutual respect - a two way street

We hear a lot about the commandment to honor your father and mother.  These days it seems this is one that children frequently opt out of.  How does one go about teaching respect.  Probably by example.  Interesting blogger shares food for thought here about adult/adult relationships in families.  I am also reading a book on this subject and I've realized the same principles work both ways  - that is for the kids and for the parent.
A few highlights I found interesting follow:

Our children are their own people, they are not us. We have a right to worry about them, but we really have to try and trust them to know what they’re doing, and to make the choices that work for them. I think we will have much better relationships with our adult children if we trust them, and respect who they are, no matter how different or similar they are to us. it has always been one of my goals to respect my adult kids, and so far mine are easy to respect—-but even as responsible people, they are still very different from me, and once in a while I want to scream, “you did WHAT?????”, and then I remind myself again that they are not me. And their choices are different from mine and have a right to be.

BUT —-guess what??? That kind of respect is not a one way street, it is a two sided coin. If we are expected not to comment, or even flinch, at the fabulous new tattoo running up one arm, the fact that their children go to bed later than ours did, follow no routine, or have a nearly Hitlerian routine, that they get vaccinations, or don’t, that they have now become Buddhists instead of Episcopalian, want to join the circus, or go sky diving in their free time, bought a house they cant afford, or live in what we consider a hovel——whatever it is they’re doing that may shock you, or surprise you, if you are trying to adjust to it and be fair, and respect the choices they’ve made—–GUESS WHAT???? They owe you exactly the same respect about whatever it is you do. Or at least that’s how I see it, as a two way street, NOT a one way street that benefits only them.

...But what I do find is that sometimes adult kids forget that we have a right to be different and independent too. And I find that many adult kids are far more vocal about being critical of their parents.

I think what adult kids and parents need is tolerance of each other, compassion, understanding, respect, and a sense of humor about the things we don’t always like. But if our kids want us to respect them and their occasionally wonky choices (blue hair, sweetheart?? really???), then they have to respect ours as well. Life is an experiment. We really do need to be tolerant of each other. And NONE of us want to hear about what we’re doing wrong all the time. Even if it’s wrong for someone else, it may be right for us, no matter how strange it seems.

So I would like to cast a vote here for mutual respect and tolerance. I think if both parents and adult kids make an effort in that direction, we’ll all have a better time together, and a lot more fun. It will keep life surprising and interesting, and keep our minds open. They don’t want to be us—-and we don’t want to be them. And just as they have a right to be who they are, so do we. Someone said that being an adult is when you accept your parents for who they are. That would be very, very nice. And just as we need to salute our kids for their independence, and respect their freedom to be who they are, no matter how different from us———they need to do exactly the same for us!!! It’s a two way street, and a great exchange!!! 

Be the parent!

CNN Opinion  - Don't dress your girls like tramps.  Parents need to take charge and be good role models. 

Making shared/joint custody work

Maybe appropriate as part of a new year.

Read here.  The key phrase is, "It does require both parents to put the needs of the child ahead of their own unresolved anger and personal preferences.   Sadly, the children suffer when false allegations are made in an effort to alienate a parent and prevent that parent's involvement.  Counting on lies and injustices of the legal system is a tragedy of the worst kind.

Positive parenting might suggest:. "Parents who were once married and have decided to terminate their marital relationship must transition to a different way of relating. With the help of mediators and parent educators, divorced parents can learn how to reshape their working relationship into one that is beneficial for the children."  Shared parenting and joint custody can work in healthy families. Of course this means being able to agree to live in close proximity, but wouldn't it be worth it, especially if the children could have access to extended family members who love them as well?  It comes down to emotional maturity and putting children first.  There is no place for irrational fears to be passed on to the next generation.

Good parenting advice

Meridian Magazine published a good article on power struggles and communication with small children. As parents and grandparents we've all fallen into some traps like these. It's a good reminder/review for all of us. Click here.

And, why couples fight - click here (fighting is NOT good parenting advice!)

Parenting help

Help for getting the kids to do and track their chores. Click here. It's free, online charting.

Parental Alienation Awareness Day

April 25th is Parental Alienation Awareness day. Have you been a victim of Parental Alienation? Do you have a friend or loved one who has been a victim? If you would like to help raise awareness of this terrible form of child abuse please visit the website below and learn what you can do in your community.

http://www.parental-alienation-awareness.com/

Did You Know That...
Parental Alienation is a form of Child Abuse?

Parental alienation (or Hostile Aggressive Parenting) is a group of behaviors that are damaging to children's mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent. These behaviors most often accompany high conflict marriages, separation or divorce.

These behaviors whether verbal or non-verbal, cause a child to be mentally manipulated or bullied into believing a loving parent is the cause of all their problems, and/or the enemy, to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

Parental alienation and hostile aggressive parenting deprive children of their right to be loved by and showing love for both of their parents. The destructive actions by an alienating parent or other third person (like another family member, or even a well meaning mental health care worker) can become abusive to the child - as the alienating behaviors are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, to the child, and can rob the child of their sense of security and safety leading to maladaptive emotional or psychiatric reactions.

Most people do not know about Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting until they experience it. Parental Alienation Awareness is put forth to help raise awareness about the growth in the problem of targeting children and their relationship in healthy and loving parent/child bond.

more info here 

Parent Alienation Syndrome - very interesting stuff!

About.com (divorce expert) says Parental Alienation Syndrome is the deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his/her children from the other parent. The motivation is to destroy the parental bond between his/her children with the other parent. Click to read the full article.  The bottom line: It is imperative that parents be willing to parent cooperatively, that they put their child’s needs first and that their only concern is their child’s sense of security.Another article can be found here. 

 The idea is that "some parents work over-time at alienating their children from the other parent. Some are guilty of parental alienation and don’t realize what they are doing. Whether or not you are deliberately alienating your child from the other parent the result will be the same. Your child will be damaged emotionally.

A divorcing parents first concern should be the welfare of the children. Children need two parents who are 100% invested in making sure that child’s needs are met. You may not like your ex but you should never allow that to get in the way of taking care of your child."   

Read more to see what unwitting contributors might do to harm their children. "Whether you are purposefully or unwittingly exposing your child to parental alienation it is time to stop and think about what it means to your child. Parenting after divorce means being hyper aware of the consequences your words and actions have on your children."  Passive aggression is one way these children may be harmed. 

Parenting tips I found interesting

This summary comes from a newspaper interview with the author. Click the post title to read the full write-up.

1. Connect — A child needs to feel connected, like they belong. If they feel this, they won't misbehave; otherwise, they seek attention and do the attention dance. Parent solution: "Help your child connect through lots of communication/conversations engage your child," explained Schafer.

2. Capable — Kids need to feel they have some control over their lives. If not, it leads to power struggles. Bottom line, according to Schafer: "We want kids to be empowered; that's where self-esteem comes from. If we're slow at handing power over, they will take it from us. The solution: empower them in appropriate ways; give them choices, responsibilities."

3. Count — Kids need to feel like they count, like they can make a difference. If not, they feel discounted and may seek revenge (a tit for a tat). The solution, said Schafer: "We need to heal the hurt, learn to be a good listener. You might not have intended to hurt them, but that's their reality."

4. Courage — Kids need to believe they can handle what comes their way; if so, they feel equal, confident, hopeful and will face challenges and develop resiliency. If not, they use avoidance or give up. If you don't feel courageous, you'll find ways to avoid the task. The solution: learn to be encouraging parents. "We often confuse praise with encouragement, which is really an external reward. So it's still a manipulation tactic. You need to learn the true art of becoming an encouraging parent," said Schafer.

(From Honey I Wrecked the Kids by Alyson Schafer)

Daily Chores

A fellow blogger-mom (In-a-shoe) posted her children's chore assignments. She is currently expecting her 10th child and by necessity must be diligent in organizing the family. I have noticed that these days many families have forgotten this once-considered-normal activity. They spoil their entitled children who only work when they feel like it or when they are bribed. Well, I could go on, but this is how they do it in their large family which includes barnyard animals (chickens) and dogs they breed. I was reminded of my daughter, Natalie's blog entry on this subject (teaching children to work and be responsible). It has certainly paid dividends for her and she admits sometimes it's harder to teach the children than to do it yourself but so worth it! There is a window of opportunity for teaching children responsibility. If that window is missed, it becomes much harder (and some adults never learn it).

I hope she's OK with me reposting here with credits:) Here's Kim's list:

Deanna (16yo): clean & straighten living room; plan and cook dinner; rinse dinner dishes; iron

Kaitlyn (14yo): burn trash; clean & straighten dining room; put away clean dishes; iron

Lydia (13yo): Lydia has requested all outdoor and animal duties: feed & water animals (chickens, dogs, cat); keep yard picked up; take out compost; "first shift" on dinner dishes (clear & wipe counters, put away leftovers, set up coffee for following morning); iron

Megan (11yo): clean & straighten bathroom and kitchen; wash dinner dishes; iron

Natalie (9yo) & Becca (8yo): hang all laundry to dry; sort and fold dry laundry, put away towels and diapers; clean & straighten laundry room; breakfast & lunch dishes; clear & wipe table after dinner.

Rachael (5yo): clean and straighten deck (under Lydia's supervision); help clear table after dinner.

Perry (3yo): empty small trash cans in bedrooms.

In addition the children help with preparing meals. Deanna plans and makes the main dish; the others often help with the rest, make breakfast, etc. Now, I hope she posts more about how she enforces it all. She reports that stating, "It's not my job" is a capital offense in their home. More power to her! One day they will thank her... (OK, she shouldn't hold her breath).

(Visit Kim's other site about frugal living here)

Nat's advice

Click the post title to see some great parenting ideas on my daughter, Natalie's blog. She is amazing!

Teaching Children Responsibility - my $.02

When Jon was three I participated in Joy School in the neighborhood. Richard and Lynda Eyre (parents of 9) created the program and it was a principle-driven curriculum for preschoolers. Parents of the kids took turns teaching and manual, music, etc. were provided regularly for a small fee (much less than regular preschool).

Each month or so they would introduce a new value, or Joy - thus the name Joy School. The idea was great. I can't say I felt good in my role as preschool teacher. Not only was it not my niche; I had a very fussy newborn who had to be held constantly. Home schooling under those conditions was less than ideal.

I read this article and was reminded of the Eyres' book, Teaching Your Children Responsibility - a natural offshoot of Teaching Your Children Joy. (Click on the post title to read the full article referenced here). An excerpt is below. This is a principle I think is lacking in this generation - actually in the world. We find excuses for our behavior, refuse to let natural consequences cause our children pain (even though that is the best way for them to learn), and society has come to accept this as the norm. The result is a wimpy, "victim" mentality all around us. Look at our current economy and the big financiers, not only blaming and being the victim, but expecting a bail out.

I made my children experience natural (and sometimes induced) consequences, often unpleasant to them at the time. For this, they may blame me the rest of their lives but, hey, they need someone to blame when life isn't perfect - it might as well be the mom, right? If it helped them to develop character, become honest, responsible citizens and stay out of jail, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and other addictions or evils then I'll accept the blame. Was I a perfect parent? Absolutely not. Do I have regrets? Sure - mostly in not spending more one-on-one time, not being more loving and nurturing, more skilled in effective and consistent (but also loving) discipline and maybe not being able to provide them with a few more comforts (not everything, because we're not here for comfort and ease). But, I'm pretty proud of my kids. Sometimes I'm sure it was in spite of, rather than because of, me.

Now I see them struggling with their own issues; their own children. They have to make hard decisions, and like all parents, they wish to protect their children from pain and often natural consequences that are hard or that might make them unpopular. They don't want their children to hurt, and sometimes in the process they may exacerbate their handicaps and weaknesses, assisting in allowing them to become victims. Sometimes in my opinion, they may be too strict. I'm happy to know that none of them are being abused. I just hope they are learning the responsibility they need to survive in this life. I often see them, as parents, doing better than we did, but they definitely do things differently. Every parent has this stewardship and hopefully they take their role seriously, consider the long-term consequences and benefits of appropriate discipline and education. I do know that in our present morality-lacking society, they need lots of tools to help them cope as adults when parents are not there to protect or defend them. When they deal with the knocks of life, I hope they will be ready. Life comes with lots of disappointments and they can be victims or, like Helen Keller and so many others, even overcome huge "handicaps" or setbacks or disadvantages. As long as Helen's parents coddled and felt sorry for her, she could not progress. Once they allowed her to live with boundaries and expectations, she excelled and became one of the great American heroes. There are lots of stories, books, movies and other examples of people overcoming great odds to BE great. I would encourage all parents to make these stories on of their guides for parenting, especially when their children have disadvantages. Show the kids how they can overcome difficulty. They will need these skills later in their lives.

I've never been one to sit back quietly without expressing my own opinions. And I'm old-fashioned enough to believe kids can learn from their parents at any age, because experience is a wonderful teacher.

Becky Thomas, Mormon Times

"I have seen family members play the role of a victim, as children will continue to blame their parents, or justify holding grudges, or feel sorry for themselves for their childhood, or make excuses for their lack of compassion. My dad used to always tell me and my brothers, "I will take responsibility for any mistakes I made parenting you, until the age of 30, after that you can't blame me any more." Though he shared that in jest, I saw the truth in what he said. It is easy for family members to continue to play the role of a victim their entire lives.

I will never forget one young man who was caught shoplifting. When the police approached his parents, they excused his behavior by saying they should have bought him what he wanted for Christmas, so he would not have had to shoplift.

If we are making excuses for our children, blaming or justifying their behavior, ("he picked up the vulgar language or bad habits from his friends"; "they don't want to go to church because the others have offended them"; "he is failing his class because of the teacher") or feeling sorry for them (because she didn't get asked to the prom, or because he wasn't invited to the birthday party, or because she didn't make cheerleading, or because he never gets to play in the game), we are sending a message that they are a victim. They will not feel a need to change, or take personal responsibility in any area of their life. After all, they think they are a victim.

If we embrace the mentality of a victim and decide that we have no power to act, but to be acted upon, we abdicate the last of our freedoms as we turn all power over to everyone else. This mentality stops change and progress.

Whether we are the President of the United States or a 3-year-old learning to swim, if we are blaming, or making excuses, or justifying our actions, or feeling sorry for ourselves, we have slowed down our progress immensely.

This concept of personal responsibility is one of the most defining principles to anyone who is living the unexpected life. It is the principle that determines whether we progress, move forward and grow on the route we travel. It is the principle that we pass on to our children. It is the principle that makes the difference whether we succeed or if we are happy. It is a principle of freedom."