Today's thought

Following last week's parental alienation awareness day...

"An unforgiving heart is the biggest obstacle to moving passed divorce and onto a rich and fulfilling life. If you can’t forgive you will never be able to do anything but make do and suffer the consequences."  Cathy Meyer (about.com)

Thoughts for the day

From an article I read today, "one’s REAL father can never be replaced with a step father. Regardless of how wonderful their mother is, children always long for their father."  Amen! More here on equal parenting.

On marriage, Linda and Richard Eyre said, "Marriage is about synergy and synchronicity and symbiosis. It is about making each other better and making each other happier. It is more about always making up than about never disagreeing, and it is more about learning together and from each other than about who can win."  I agree - there is no room in the bed for competition.

When you feel persecuted or offended, say to yourself, "it's not all about me!"  People really are not all focusing on you!  They have their own lives, thoughts, feelings and opinions.  If they say it or write about it, it's probably about them and to think it to be otherwise is often paranoid delusion!  Also, people aren't all talking about you - they are busy with their lives and as I heard Helen Keller quoted, "we wouldn't worry so much about what people think of us if we knew how seldom they do it."  If the shoe fits...


For women's history month:  A few thoughts by Eleanor Roosevelt (very timely for me):

• "You can never really live anyone else's life, not even your child's. The influence you exert is through your own life, and what you've become yourself."

• "Happiness is not a goal; it's a by-product"

• "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

• You must do the things you think you cannot do." 
• "You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give."

"Rather than simply passing through trials, we must allow trials to pass through us in ways that sanctify us." Elder Neil A. Maxwell

 When Your Hut Is On Fire!
 
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited  island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he  scanned the horizon for help but none seemed forthcoming.

 Even though he was exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little  hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements and to store his  few possessions.
 
One day he arrived home from scavenging for food to find his little hut  in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had  happened and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?"

 Early the next day he awakened to the sound of a ship approaching the  island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?"  asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," was  the reply.

The moral of this story: It is easy to get discouraged when things are  going bad but we should never lose heart because God is at work in our  lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember the next  time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground that it just may  be the smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

Divorce, Widowhood and Health

A study scheduled to be published in the September issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, analyzes data from nearly 9,000 adults nationwide, ages 51 to 61, and finds those who had been divorced or widowed suffered 20 percent more chronic health conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer, than individuals who were currently married. (http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingduringdivorce/f/divorcebadforhealth.htm)

Of course, oftentimes mental health issues are the cause of the divorce and some studies don't consider this and what the results might be of staying in such a relationship.  Some of the articles here discuss these issues.

Problem is, mental illness can be hard to recognize and can be hidden for quite a while, but when it surfaces, if not treated adequately, it can wreak havoc on a relationship.

Making shared/joint custody work

Maybe appropriate as part of a new year.

Read here.  The key phrase is, "It does require both parents to put the needs of the child ahead of their own unresolved anger and personal preferences.   Sadly, the children suffer when false allegations are made in an effort to alienate a parent and prevent that parent's involvement.  Counting on lies and injustices of the legal system is a tragedy of the worst kind.

Positive parenting might suggest:. "Parents who were once married and have decided to terminate their marital relationship must transition to a different way of relating. With the help of mediators and parent educators, divorced parents can learn how to reshape their working relationship into one that is beneficial for the children."  Shared parenting and joint custody can work in healthy families. Of course this means being able to agree to live in close proximity, but wouldn't it be worth it, especially if the children could have access to extended family members who love them as well?  It comes down to emotional maturity and putting children first.  There is no place for irrational fears to be passed on to the next generation.

Hopes dashed!

Everyone here was so excited to hear that there was a chance for the kids to come here from NYC on the 16th (delivered by their other grandparents who had business here).  This might have given us a little more time with the kids, they could see everyone - more than their dad - whom they miss.  And they could spend Christmas in Utah as the Commissioner said they should.  The kids could attend the Christmas Eve party with Grandma B and cousins, Christmas Day with their dad and grandparents, and the day after Christmas for a special dinner with all the Utah cousins as well as some other activities to make the time special - movies and popcorn, etc.  It also costs considerably less to come from NYC than from SC (assuming the tickets could be purchased early).  It would have meant a few missed school days for the kindergartener, but what is more important - school or time with her father?  Last year we postponed Christmas by a day so everyone could share the time with the girls because they weren't required to come until the week after.  I have postponed my vacation requests waiting to see when they will come since I will be helping with them when Jon is at work.

Now the winds have changed.  Their new offer is for Jon to come to NYC (with the people who have supported the injustices of this situation) to see his children.  It is a generous offer to help him to briefly see the children, but he works Christmas Eve as well as the Monday following Christmas.  This is the life of working people - especially those in retail.  He has been able to land a full-time position as a portrait photographer even in this terrible economy and he cannot jeopardize that by leaving at a critical and very busy time.  He also has no paid vacation time to take off.  This job also provides her with money so why would she want to risk that?

The video quality is poor when they Skype but the saddest part of that is that two year olds (and babies and five year olds) do not get the father time they crave via 60 minutes a week by video. They cannot even comprehend the distances involved. The problem is that she insists on living in S.C. when there is no good reason to do so except keep the children from their father.

It is just plain tragic, all around.  Is it any wonder we are frustrated here?

Children and Divorce

Affects of divorce on families. From about.com

A child’s happiness is not dependent on their parent’s happiness. A child’s happiness stems from routine, having a home, two parents, friends to play with, school activities to be involved in and being able to count on those things being constant day in and day out.

What was most painful and caused the most long-term negative effects for children is the sadness of their family breaking up, the anger they were not able to express, having to adjust to one parent no longer living in the home. The loss of control over activities because of forced visitation, the loss of two full-time parents in their lives, the sadness they feel around friends from intact families. The change in the economic status that all children experience when their parent’s divorce.

It is the aftermath of divorce, not the process of divorce that does our children the most harm. Don’t buy into the belief that once the process is over all will find a happy ending. Focus not only on the process but on what needs to be done after the process to help the children and adults move forward with as little emotional harm as possible. (Source: Cathy Meyer at about.com, quoting from The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study, published in 2000 by Judith Wallerstein who began studying this in the 1970s)

Parental Alienation Awareness Day

April 25th is Parental Alienation Awareness day. Have you been a victim of Parental Alienation? Do you have a friend or loved one who has been a victim? If you would like to help raise awareness of this terrible form of child abuse please visit the website below and learn what you can do in your community.

http://www.parental-alienation-awareness.com/

Did You Know That...
Parental Alienation is a form of Child Abuse?

Parental alienation (or Hostile Aggressive Parenting) is a group of behaviors that are damaging to children's mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent. These behaviors most often accompany high conflict marriages, separation or divorce.

These behaviors whether verbal or non-verbal, cause a child to be mentally manipulated or bullied into believing a loving parent is the cause of all their problems, and/or the enemy, to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

Parental alienation and hostile aggressive parenting deprive children of their right to be loved by and showing love for both of their parents. The destructive actions by an alienating parent or other third person (like another family member, or even a well meaning mental health care worker) can become abusive to the child - as the alienating behaviors are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, to the child, and can rob the child of their sense of security and safety leading to maladaptive emotional or psychiatric reactions.

Most people do not know about Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting until they experience it. Parental Alienation Awareness is put forth to help raise awareness about the growth in the problem of targeting children and their relationship in healthy and loving parent/child bond.

more info here 

Parent Alienation Syndrome - very interesting stuff!

About.com (divorce expert) says Parental Alienation Syndrome is the deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his/her children from the other parent. The motivation is to destroy the parental bond between his/her children with the other parent. Click to read the full article.  The bottom line: It is imperative that parents be willing to parent cooperatively, that they put their child’s needs first and that their only concern is their child’s sense of security.Another article can be found here. 

 The idea is that "some parents work over-time at alienating their children from the other parent. Some are guilty of parental alienation and don’t realize what they are doing. Whether or not you are deliberately alienating your child from the other parent the result will be the same. Your child will be damaged emotionally.

A divorcing parents first concern should be the welfare of the children. Children need two parents who are 100% invested in making sure that child’s needs are met. You may not like your ex but you should never allow that to get in the way of taking care of your child."   

Read more to see what unwitting contributors might do to harm their children. "Whether you are purposefully or unwittingly exposing your child to parental alienation it is time to stop and think about what it means to your child. Parenting after divorce means being hyper aware of the consequences your words and actions have on your children."  Passive aggression is one way these children may be harmed. 

Joint Custody and Happy Homes

It is possible to have two happy homes in a divorce.  Fathers have rights.  We have also come to know all about Malicious Mother Syndrome.  The status quo still prevails but must be questioned.  No mother who truly, selflessly and maturely loves her children would want to keep them from their father or tell lies about him.  It is only in immaturity (resulting often from her own abuse which stunted her emotional growth) that such behavior could be inflicted upon innocent children. 

Malicious Mother Syndrome Can Complicate Cases

Divorce is complicated enough, but what happens in some cases is that the mother turns on the father and the children, providing a number of falsehoods to promote her own case. According to Ira Daniel Turkat, PhD, this is known as Malicious Mother Syndrome.


Four major criteria encompass the syndrome. These are:

• A mother who unjustifiably punishes her divorcing or divorced husband by attempting to alienate mutual children from their father/ involving others in malicious actions against the father; engaging in excessive litigation.
• The mother specifically attempts to deny her child(ren) regular uninterrupted visitation and uninhibited telephone access with the father, and paternal participation in school life and extracurricular activities.
• The pattern is pervasive and includes malicious acts towards the husband and includes lying to the children, lying to others, and violations of the law.
• The disorder is not specifically due to another mental disorder, although a separate mental disorder may co-exist.

Is Joint Physical Custody Better for a Child?

This is a very controversial issue, because there are so many factors involved. It is commonly believed that younger children should live with mothers and that children of around the age of 12 (or older), should be given more say in their living arrangements. A few of the many factors used to decide custody arrangements after divorce are:

• Age and gender of the child
• Emotional ties between parent and child
• Emotional ties between siblings and child
• Each parent's involvement in caring for the child

Fathers' Rights – Research on Custody Rights

A study by Judith Seltzer (University of Wisconsin-Madison) showed that children were better off financially when fathers had joint legal custody. Dads, who saw their children more frequently, were more likely to comply with child support payment schedules. This is a powerful argument in favor of joint physical custody.


As for family relationships, Seltzer also concluded that joint physical custody keeps children’s lives as similar as possible to their pre-divorce situations. And, it's easier for kids, with both a mother and a father in their lives, to have good relationships with peers. Seltzer's research is consistent with fathers' rights groups and their assertion that shared custody is good for kids.

Divorced Fathers and Quality Time

Another study, at Florida State University, concludes that the duration of contact (amount of time) with a father was directly related to a child's adjustment after divorce. In other words, a child who continues to have a good relationship and spend time with his or her father will be happier, and more likely to be well adjusted, after divorce.

Do Dads Give Kids Higher IQs?

Another benefit to a child of joint custody is that children who spend time with their fathers have a higher IQ. Research at the University of Newcastle, UK, says that whether or not a dad lives with his child is not as important as whether or not a dad:

• Spends time with daughters as well as sons
• Reads with his children
• Attends organized outings, such as: Sports, Boy or Girl Scout events, dance recitals, or school field trips

The Newcastle study also contends that children with involved fathers are more likely to rise to a higher income or social class than children raised solely by their mothers. One concern regarding the Newcastle research is that it does not consider whether or not an actively-involved step father, grandfather, or uncle might also raise children’s IQs.
It is important not to read too much into studies. They only give a statistical probability of a good or bad outcome. Every child, every parent, and every family is different. Dads should talk to a divorce lawyer to get help concerning what is best for their children.

Divorce Study

The research examples above suggest that a child is more likely to have financial stability, get along with peers, and have a higher IQ in a joint custody situation. These arguments seem to make sense on an intuitive level, but each divorce entails many factors. Joint physical custody where both parents get along is the ideal. Fathers' rights groups really are onto something. Whether or not shared parenting or sole custody is optimal can only be decided on a case by case basis.

Disgusting!

The judicial system is so messed up. It has nothing to do with right and truth. It's all about the money. If you have enough of it, you have a chance; if not, you're just plain out of luck. If you don't believe it, just look at the high profile cases out there.

Even judges will say they don't bother looking for truth; just find middle ground so it's some kind of compromise.

Furthermore, it's amazing how people will perpetuate a lie and remain in willful ignorance. How can they live with themselves?

Joseph, son of Jacob, was sold into Egypt (betrayed by his own family). He remained true, did what was right and eventually prevailed, but not without much pain, suffering, mental anguish and patience. For some reason Jon, too, is being put through a trial, complete with false witness, betrayal by family members whom he trusted and now he must have patience. It is most unfortunate that his children will suffer eternally for this. And in the short term,

DESPITE ALL THEIR PERSONAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS, CHILDREN THIS AGE BASE MUCH OF THEIR SELF-IMAGE ON HOW THEY AND OTHERS PERCEIVE THEIR PARENTS. A CHILD DESPERATELY NEEDS TO SEE THE GOOD IN HIS PARENTS IN ORDER TO HELP HIM DEFINE THE GOOD IN HIMSELF. JUST AS HE DRAWS STRENGTH FROM KNOWING A PARENT IS WELL THOUGHT OF, SO TOO HE CAN BE HURT BY ANY HINT THAT HE OR SHE IS NOT. A CHILD PERCEIVES ONE PARENT'S -- OR ANY OTHER PERSON'S-- CRITICS OF A PARENT AS A CRITICISM OF HIM, TOO. (Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce -The Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman, L.M.H.C. -creator of the nationally renowned Sandcastles Divorce Therapy Program mandated in family courts nationwide).

This is why the children cannot be subjected to the custodial parent(or her cohorts) putting down the other parent. It's not about the adults; it's about the kids. Why won't the other grandparents care enough to step in and stop the insanity? Why would they perpetuate a lie, hurt the children, in order to protect the adult accuser and the real criminal (long-since dead) who did the damage causing her to project her own past abuse onto her children?

Movin'on

Aubrey moved yesterday and is moving on. Reminds me of George Strait's She Let Herself Go. After a full day of packing and moving she went to a movie with friends. She's handling a hard time pretty well. It's no fun to move back home when you've been running your own household but I do believe it is important to know there is a place to go and you don't have to feel stuck in a bad situation. It will be temporary and she will now be able to focus on things that matter and that bring her joy - her children, good friends, extended family members who care about her. At only seven weeks postpartum after a c-section and with two other boys, I think she's doing great.

Parental Alienation

I appreciated About.com's divorce guide, Kathy Meyer's comments about practical advice in a divorce as it relates to the children and their relationship with the other parent. Read here or click on the post title for the full article.

Divorce is always painful for all involved, but there's no point in making the other spouse look bad, especially to young, vulnerable children who need to know they are loved by BOTH parents.

I realize I sometimes used my children as my friend or confidant. Sometimes unwittingly - they saw it firsthand or saw me crying. Sometimes because there was nobody else, outside, that I could talk to about what was happening without blowing my cover. After all, if we were able to mend things, I didn't want others to remember negative stuff I guess. Sometimes it's about appearances.

Children (even grown ones) should not be our therapists or our validation that we were "right." It does damage to them! This is something I need to repent of. I am glad my children were grown before my divorce but there are still lines to be drawn. Fortunately there is much I did not share with them and parents should not share everything with their kids, even in a good marriage. I do want my kids to have a continuing, good relationship with their dad, regardless of our circumstances.

It's not all about you! It's really about putting the kids first.